Stop beating yourself up, you are human

Sometimes we judge ourselves too harshly, we become too hard on ourselves and we forget that we are not perfect, we are just human. We tend to expect a lot from ourselves and when we don’t meet our expectations we judge ourselves and see ourselves as failures.

Sometimes we just need to breathe and acknowledge the fact that we stuff up and that’s part of life. We make mistakes and we learn from them. We go through situations-major emphasis on through. We don’t only stay in bad situations but we go through them. Maybe we don’t emerge victorious but we get life lessons and maybe that’s why we go through certain things. I recently started feeling like a failure because I couldn’t find the job I studied for. That knocked down my confidence and I started feeling crappy about myself. I won’t lie I sometimes still do but what’s important is how I emerge from all this and the lessons I’ve learned. I realized that if I can’t get the job I want then I might as well create the job I want and that’s starting to give me satisfaction. Now, had I stayed in that state of mind that I failed myself and those around me then I wouldn’t have had the courage to do something about it. I’m teaching myself to look at the ‘beyond’ of a situation. It’s not easy but it makes life worthwhile.

Maybe that’s what we should do, instead of beating ourselves up we must just cry ( yes I said cry or even scream or whatever that makes you feel better) and after crying we must wipe those tears and look beyond what we see. Obviously you won’t cry and then boom! everything is magically all right. It takes time, it takes patience and it takes acceptance.

I had to accept my situation in order to be able to face it and get out of it. I respect recovering addicts. It takes a lot to admit that you have a problem and then do something about it instead of just beating yourself up over and over again.

The first step is admitting that you messed up or that you were defeated in whatever it is. Then accepting that it is painful or rather acknowledge the pain and go through all sorts of emotions. It’s okay to cry, it actually takes guts to allow yourself to feel emotional. It doesn’t matter which emotion. After acknowledging the problem and the pain, you sit down and look at the situation and what it’s saying to you or about you. You then listen and you learn. After all that you start over at a different angle and you do better. You need to tell yourself that it’s okay to mess up but what matters is how you pick yourself up and clean the mess.

You are human, not a robot so you are bound to make mistakes and lose things in life, it’s part of the journey. It happens. Life has no manual or no chip that gets implanted in others so that they have it all figured out. No one has it figured out but it’s all on how they look at the situation. I’ve yet to meet someone who says they’ve figured it out. Not even your pastor (no disrespect). Life has a way of tripping us, sometimes I think it’s because it wants to see how strong we are and how we react to situations but I know for a fact that mostly it is to teach us something.

You don’t hit or cuss a baby out for falling off a bicycle, either you push them or you buy them training wheels. So why do you hurt yourself by judging yourself and telling yourself that you are stupid or weak for falling off. Why not get training wheels? Why not ask for help? It’s okay to fall off. All that matters is how you emerge after falling off. You can either judge yourself or you can look for a better alternative. It’s all up to you.

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Stop trying to please everyone, it won’t work.

Sometimes we do stupid things just to make other people happy. We compromise our morals and worst of all we compromise our happiness just to keep others happy. It’s what we do naturally and it naturally brings us down and we end up suffering. Have you ever wondered if people would ever go to the lengths you go to just to keep you happy. Will someone ever put you first and make you happy instead of you having to constantly give, give, give.

Here is another story of mine that happened a long time ago and I still regret it even today. I dated this guy, I told him I don’t drink alcohol, don’t smoke and I don’t go to parties (I’m an ideal child, I know). I told him how alcohol had ruined my childhood and how I hate the memories it brings and how some intoxicated people behaved and I thought he understood that and respected my decision but boy was I wrong. One day he decided to call me over and you won’t believe what he had bought, yep he bought alcohol-wine to be exact. He told me to have a glass and I refused more than once and then he kept on insisting and guilt tripping me, telling me he bought the wine for us and I was just being rude and I was messing up things so naturally I gave in and I had half a glass. I wanted him to be happy and I wanted us to be okay. So I finished that half of mine and he poured it again, same story- he bought it for us blah blah blah (I’m sorry) . I should’ve stopped him right there, in fact I should’ve stood firm in my decision but I gave in and I still regret it today.

I look back and wonder what would’ve happened if I had said no and stuck to it. I know one thing though, I wouldn’t be having this regret and I wouldn’t be feeling stupid and like a push over for a thing that happened years ago. The thing is I knew I didn’t want to drink, I didn’t want the first glass and I hated myself for drinking the second glass but I kept telling myself that I was doing it for my relationship and I kept on looking at how happy he was and in a twisted sad way, that’s what it was all about. Keeping my guy happy. Now what about my happiness? What about my feelings? What about me and what I wanted?

The truth is after that he kept on pushing me to try and do things that I didn’t want to do or hated simply because I had that stupid glass of wine. It’s never enough.

It’s okay to make others happy but never at your expense. You don’t have to be miserable for others to live a life of joy and peace. What about your happiness? You saying no to something or saying yes rather should not make others miserable if it’s going to make you happy. It’s okay to be selfish about your happiness. You won’t live a life filled with regret and you won’t beat yourself up over small things that could’ve been avoided. People who love and care about you will never put you in a situation whereby you will have to choose their happiness over yours.

People can see when you give so much of yourself at your own expense. They will keep pushing, can I have your cake? Can I have your car? Can I have your soul? Its never enough so sometimes and a lot of times you have to put your foot down and say no. It’s okay to refuse to others just to keep yourself happy. If those people care about you then it will never become a big deal.
You give so much, you say yes all the time to a point that one day you will have to say yes to losing your life. It’s okay to make yourself happy and not care what others say. It’s okay to say no to people who keep using you just because they know you will never say no. It’s okay to live alone and live a peaceful and complete life. You know what? IT’S OKAY TO BE SELFISH.

Why do we need validation???

Stupid approval! That’s what I’ve been singing for the past few months. No, not self-approval, approval from the masses or better yet approval from my peers. I know that I am smart, beautiful, funny and all that but it sounds so self centred and vain when I say it. However when someone else says it it’s like heaven just opened and I was kissed by an angel. I feel happy when I’m praised or when I get compliments. Maybe that’s the problem. We get a sense of pride and joy mostly when someone else appreciates and approves of us. come on, I mean even baby Jesus was adored by the Magi at birth, so can’t these people who we’ve lived with for so long and did so much for adore us? No I don’t mean get us gifts of gold and all, (it would be really awesome though) no. I think we just want someone to say ‘Well done or you are beautiful and oh my God you are the bomb’.

I bet you’ve felt that too. wanting to be praised and acknowledged. Wanting someone to pat you on the back, pull their thumbs up and and say way to go, you did it.’
Why does it matter though? Why does your value rely on someone else? Have you ever thought that maybe you are enough? I don’t mean being tired or over something but enough in terms of being complete, being the ultimate package. Just being whole and not needing anything?
I won’t judge because there was a time in my my life where the masses would matter and so did their opinions of me.
I remember not feeling good enough. I used to feel complete in the eyes of Someone else or rather what they thought of me. If they thought positive of me then I’d be content and if it was negative then I’d sit down and curse myself.

I think this happens with everyone. When you get a new hairstyle its not a big deal until someone says ‘Oh my God you look amazing’. We measure ourselves based on how people see or classify us. Take me for instance, I completed my degree, I’m smart, I’m beautiful, funny and all that but I didn’t feel this way about myself until someone else said it. For me to believe all that about myself I needed to hear it from someone else. I needed someone to put value and validate me.

Here is my crazy story: A very close friend of mine is a photographer and I’ve known the person for years. Not once has the person ever taken a picture of me or pretended to take a picture of me and that put a dent on my confidence. I started feeling ugly and didn’t appreciate myself only because this one person didn’t take a picture of me.

Looking back at it or writing it down I’m thinking man, that was stupid but at that time it was a big deal and it hurt. I knew that I’m beautiful don’t get me wrong. Just that this one person or rather their photographic opinion if you would call it that meant so much that I belittled myself and started feeling low about how I looked all because they never took a picture of me. In my mind it felt like if Beyonce never wrote or sang a song about or for Jay-Z, imagine how Jay-Z would feel. That’s where I was.

Regardless of what I knew, it still hurt and bugged me. I think that’s our problem, we know but we still want to be told . If you know something for a fact then why do you doubt yourself? Why do you feel the need to be praised by someone else. Personally I figured what if I took different poses, the butt pose, the smile, the shy look and all these other poses then the person would have to take a picture of me. This one person would find me beautiful. The sad thing is other people did take pictures of me, they offered and some even begged me to send them my pictures but this one person, this one person mattered so much that I saw myself as ugly and I just saw negativity in myself.

Its the same way as a wife with a new hairstyle hoping the husband compliments her but what if he doesn’t compliment you, what if he doesn’t see the change in you, he just stares blankly at you while you are busy swaying your head from left to right in the middle of a soccer game and he is just not paying attention to you, does that mean the fault is with you, are you incomplete without his compliments?

Why do we need validation? Why is it that someone’s approval of us matters much more than how we see ourselves. No one can say I don’t love myself because I woke up feeling that way. No, some magazine said you need to be a size 28, someone didn’t take your picture or find you beautiful enough to capture, someone said you are too dark.

That’s why you have a problem with yourself. What if you just woke up and felt like the bomb. You just woke up, got in your size 40, took your own picture and posted it on Facebook and just decided to tell yourself that you are the bomb and actually believed it. You wouldn’t need the Magi to adore you. It wouldn’t matter what anyone did or said because you know better and you know yourself much better. You adore yourself enough for the masses, you find no faults and flaws in who you are. You don’t need fake validation. You don’t need fake praises.

Perdonally I feel like this is a sickness that we all suffer from and the only cure is to look at ourselves and see ourselves for who and what we really are: beautiful, handsome, smart, intriguing, complete and amazing people amongst other things. The truth is that no one has to look at you and put a stamp of approval on you but yourself. Your happiness is not and should not be found or should not lie in someone’s words.
Don’t ever give someone that much power over you. You are enough and people don’t have to say it for you to know it. You know that you are enough and that’s enough on its own.

You don’t need someone to validate your existence and praise what you already know is amazing. Be content with who you are and adore yourself. Your life will be filled with peace and so much of love.
Be okay with who you are and how you look. Love yourself. Loving yourself can be many things, find your beauty, write yourself letters and poems, be crazy, take yourself on dates, face your fears, take pictures of yourself, motivate yourself. Don’t give anyone power over how you see yourself. Never give them so much power that when they don’t do what you expect of them then you are left shattered. Take that power back, compliment yourself, praise yourself and just be happy with yourself. Never let anyone make you feel bad about yourself.

Letting go is not easy but sometimes it’s necessary.

Have you ever built a prison for yourself only because you were scared to do the right thing? Yeah I’ve done that too and trust me nothing good ever comes from it. I had imprisoned myself to the point whereby my life was filled with regret and resentment. What was I expecting? I created a prison myself and expected the garden of Eden with chocolate fountains and marshmallow clouds.

Why do we do that? Why do we imprison ourselves in situations that not only kill our spirit but damage who we are? I found my answer to that question and I figured it’s because we want to please others. We want to be loved, we want to be seen as noble, we want to be seen and appreciated for our efforts. Well at least that’s why I imprisoned myself in a situation. I’m not over the situation hence I can’t even write what the situation was. That’s what this thing does to you, it takes your power and makes you weak.

Imagine staying in a toxic relationship simply because the two of you have been together for too long so you can’t leave. Imagine working for a person who constantly harasses you and belittles you every chance they get. Why would you stay there ? Why would you do that to yourself? As humans we sometimes choose to endure so much pain to only destroy ourselves later.

My situation left me bitter, self hating and hating many people around me. It left me feeling alone and scared. It left me feeling ashamed of who I was or rather who I had become in the situation. We let situations doctor us so much that we even lose ourselves. Why? Why do we let that happen. I knew the situation was bad for me. Oh enough with the situation. I was in a toxic relationship. There I said it. So much better. I knew at some point that the relationship had turned sour, it had changed and I wasn’t happy but still I stayed. Why? Don’t ask me why , I made excuses for the person and told myself that it would get better. But what was better? What was better than my own happiness, my own self respect? Its amazing how we justify the bad things that happen in our lives.

We look for excuses, we make excuses and if not for ourselves then for the people involved. We tend to hope for the best even when the situation on its own is bad. We always say what if even when there is no better alternative . I don’t know why I stayed but I know that at the time staying was the only option I thought I had. I wasn’t threatened to stay, I wasn’t stuck to the person by glue and I wasn’t going to die had I left but it felt like it was the only option I had. I had imprisoned myself so much so that I was the prisoner and the warden at the same time. I had sentenced myself to misery and pain. The sad part of it all is that I knew I had to leave, I knew I wasn’t happy and there was a small voice telling me to let go and it will all work out but I was scared. I wasn’t scared so much about what will happen to me, no I was mostly scared of what people will say, what will happen to the person I’m with and what if I become more unhappy. I made excuses repeatedly. I let myself die repeatedly.

I know that I am not the only one who has suffered from mental imprisonment only because of fear. Sometimes we are scared to take chances, to live, to laugh, to start over. Sometimes we are scared to jump because we believe that gravity will pull us down, but what if we fly. Sometimes what you think is best at that particular time is not best for your future. We become victims of our own doing. We cry and not do anything about a situation. We don’t change it and yet we hope for the best. The best sometimes can be letting go. The feeling of freedom. The will to live again, to smile without fear. To just be happy.

I left my relationship and now I can proudly say that I am happy. I don’t have any regrets and I love myself. I’m happy with who I am. I don’t have to please anyone but myself. I have peace. That’s what comes with making decisions for yourself, you find love and peace. You find happiness. You are not scared to look in the mirror anymore. You are content. I understand the fear of letting go because you don’t know what’s on the other side but the truth is it can’t be worse than a mental prison you have created for yourself. Letting go is never easy but sometimes it’s necessary. It’s necessary when you want to be happy, when you want to start over. Living at the mercy of someone or something is not life. Its prison. You become a shadow of what and who you used to be. So from a former prisoner to someone who want to be happy I say it’s okay to let go. It’s okay to be scared but it’s not okay to let a situation dictate your life and make you unhappy. You can free yourself, all you have to do is say yes to your inner voice. Listen to it and do what’s best for you.

Why do we always need a Batman to save us?

Why does Gotham City need Batman, why does New York City need Spidey? Why do we need heroes? Why do we need someone to save us? Why is it that we always want someone to hold our hands? Why is it that we can’t do somethings for ourselves? Why? We always need to be pushed, we need to be told what to do and how to do it. Even if we know what to do we just need someone to tell us to do it. Why can’t we just do things ourselves? Why not just pick the broom up and sweep the floor without waiting for your mom to tell you to do it? Why not buy the grocery instead of hoping someone else will do it?

I sometimes get angry at myself when I look at all that I could’ve done instead of waiting for someone to tell me I can do it. I know I can do it, I have the capabilities to do it, I’m just lazy. I know I’m not the only one. You just sit there and think “starting my own logistics company would work, I know I’m good and transport management and I know where to start but…’. You always think or come up with great ideas but you never implement them and that’s the problem. Imagine if you were to get up and start that company by yourself without needing someone to tell you “hey that’s a very good idea.” Of course it’s a good idea, its just that you are so lazy that you are waiting for someone one to give you that company. Oh brother. No, I’m not judging harshly because I’ve been in that very same boat. We just need to get up. That’s it.

Imagine if Gotham city had no Batman, Gotham would probably still have crime but the police and other law enforcement officials would do their jobs. Police wouldn’t be lazying around eating donuts and taking breaks because they know that Batman is on it. The same way you don’t need someone to tell you to do something because you know you are able. You’ve got this.

When people offer to do things for us we often take advantage of it and ultimately feel that the person was supposed to do what they did even if it was our responsibility. We feel entitled. We have no sense of gratitude. Gotham believes that Batman should be out there looking for criminals, which is not the case. Batman could also be sitting at home, drinking his very expensive drinks. He doesn’t have to save anyone.

Once upon a time I also thought I needed someone to help me, someone to save me. Why couldn’t I just get up and save myself? Even if I would’ve failed, the point would be that I tried. Sometimes as a person you just need to be honest with yourself and do it for yourself. I’m not saying don’t ask for help, no. I’m just saying try it on your own and see how it goes before you depend on others.

We all have our own things to deal with and as much as we would like to help others , we first need to help ourselves. We need to gather up the courage to start a business instead of hoping someone will hire us. We must just master the courage to speak to that special someone with dimples and that oh so charming smile instead of sending our friends over to do it. In this life people can be there for you and at some point people can leave you. There are many reasons why people leave. That’s not what I’m focusing on. What I’m trying to show you is that people don’t always need to be with you or they won’t always be with you . One day you will be on your own. The question is when your support system leaves you one day how will you survive? How will you know that you need to cross your t’s and dot your i’s. If you are so used to people doing things for you when will you ever do anything for yourself. When will you grow up?

Trust me if I had my own Batman to fix every single mess I’ve made then I’d be the happiest person around but I’d also be the most useless person around too. What would I be good at? How would ie know my talents ? How would I learn from any mistake and how would I make mistakes in the first place because as long as Batman is there I wouldn’t need to do anything. I’d just need to breathe.

Heroes are good for a certain period in time. The same way as asking for help. You can only ask for so much. You can’t keep asking for help on things you know and you are good at. Yes, you can ask for advice and listen to certain opinions and even put those to work. That doesn’t mean you should become a leech.

Save yourself once in a while . Be independent , take a chance, fall off and get back up. I always do my happy dance when I’ve actually completed or achieved something on my own. So imagine doing your own happy dance when you finally achieve something without being nagged, pushed or better yet, without Batman. There is nothing wrong with asking for help but there is also nothing wrong with doing it yourself. Who knows you might also develop your own happy dance.

Help me define Christianity and I might just go back to church.

I don’t think I want to be called a christian anymore. Here is my story, I grew up in a Christian household and every Sunday we would all wear our Sunday best, rain or shine, hungry or full and go to church. The idea of praising the most high, an all seeing being, God, it made the experience of church both scary and surreal. I mean here I am and I am going to be in the presence of God , that was big, that was huge and that was church. I knew my bible verses. I knew my church hymns, the Lord’s prayer and all that guaranteed me a spot in heaven. The idea of hell was terrifying, actually it still is. I was taught that for you not to go to hell you need to be good. And the best example of good in church is no one else but the pastor.

The pastor seemed more powerful than any being around. The pastor spoke to God and God spoke to the pastor. We told the pastor what we wanted from God and he would deliver the message. If our prayers are answered it’s thanks to the pastor by the Grace of God. This was the way it was. This was my childhood and a bit of my adult life until I realised that life is not just black and white, there are grey areas too and that’s what slapped the church out of me. The grey areas. The reality of what church has become. In a way it crushed my faith and spirit. My santa clause didnt exist anymore. The horror. Well not horror but the bitter truth. Church isn’t the same anymore. Imagine that in bold letters on a front page of a gossip tabloid.

HORROR! CHURCH CHANGED, GIRL REALITY CRUSHED.” That’s how it would go.

So here is the deal, we want happiness, we want good health, wealth and all this world has to offer. If one person says they don’t want that then they are lying. Even monks have things they want like peace. We are humans we either have a need or a want and most of the time it’s both. That’s why we even go to church. We believe that God will answer our prayers and grant our needs. When we go to church we tell our pastors and they usually have a solution or they will pray for a solution so we believe in them and trust in what they have to say because they have a direct telephone line to heaven. Now what happens when the pastor’s solution is just too ridiculous or just plain harmful, what then???

Here is a story you probably won’t believe or you will because all this is just too normal these days. A pastor here in South Africa had an alter call (when everyone with problems at church stands up and goes to the front to be prayed for). Now there is nothing wrong with that but what’s crazy or shocking is what the pastor told the congregants to do. The man told his congregants to eat grass and even drink petrol. Yes petrol. The one you use to fuel up your car. He told them to drink petrol and they would be healed.

Sit down and close your mouth. I know, it’s shocking right? Wait till I tell you about the rats and snakes. Yes there are rats and snakes in this story too. I told you you wouldn’t believe it. So another unbelievable incident with a pastor was when he told his congregants to eat snakes and rats. Apparently they would also experience some divine intervention. The sad part is that people believed all this and still do. You run away from a live snake (well if you don’t , I do), so why would you eat a snake whether dead or alive it doesn’t matter. It’s a snake. It doesnt stop there, another pastor thought it was a great idea to spray pesticide on or in peoples eyes because… well who cares why he did it. Its pesticide, its for roaches and insects. Unless his congregants were villains from the MIB franchise there is and was no reason for that. These things are all dangerous or rather harmful to a person’s health so why do all that? Whats gets me the most are the people who clap their hands and praise while people are being fed petrol. Are we so desperate for miracles that we threw away our ability to think?

However in all honesty if a person says they have a method on how to achieve wealth and riches then people naturally flock to the person. It doesn’t matter how crazy it sounds. They don’t have to pay much, sadly they just have to put away their common sense and put their lives in danger to get all those luxuries. People are so sick of being poor and sick that they believe anything a pastor would say.

Pastors these days don’t live in shacks and drive old beat up cars we call skorokoro. No, they live in big houses, eat fancy foods and drive cars so expensive that the price of the car could feed 100 families for a year or two. The irony in all this is that the congregants are the ones paying for all this lavish lifestyle. Sadly they don’t see that. They just want the wealth and miracles. They are attracted to that. If a pastor is wealthy then God is with him and if God is with him then they believe that that’s where their salvation lies. People want miracles and these pastors provide ‘miracles’.

I was angry and hurt. To be quiet honest I still am. I feel like a religion in which I was raised under, a God I was told loves all people was disrespected. Again that’s just the thing, when all these things are done, they are done in the name of religion. Not only do we find fault in the pastors, we also find fault in the religion. They are a small speck and yet they represent a huge thing and because they have tainted it, the whole thing has gone bad. I believe that religion is a beautiful and sacred thing. It builds and keeps a community together. I also believe that its most beautiful teachings are love and peace. Whether it’s Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity and other religions, I believe that the ultimate message they carry is love and peace. You shall love one another and you shall not kill. Now how is it that I have to swallow a rat, a snake, drink petrol and other things just to be a part of it.

I don’t condone violence at all but people wonder why churches are being attacked and why people don’t pray any more. If people don’t know something they usually attack it, if people feel that wrong things are being done to others they attack and if people feel like their beliefs and ways of life are being attacked then they fight back. People want normal, they want what they know and they want what they understand. They can’t handle change especially when it goes against what they stand for.

I’m not attacking religion or churches and I’m not against them, I’m against people being hurt and being made fools. I just want to know what changed? Why can’t it be the way it was? Why can’t religion be of peace and love and being a family. There is no way I will give my baby sister a snake to eat dead or alive just because she is sick. How can I make her drink petrol? Then why is it that a pastor who is supposed to be a father of the church thinks it’s okay to make someone drink petrol?. What happened? What went wrong and how do we fix it?

As I’m writing all this the little girl in me that used to go to church every Sunday and say her prayers is wondering. Wondering if God sees her dilemma? Did He really tell pastors to do all this? What about hell, is she going to hell for questioning all this?
It’s a debate that goes on and on in my head. Not only in mine but many Christians and other religions. I just want to know what Christianity is in this day and age? Is it what I read in the bible or what I see in churches currently? Am I still evil if I choose to not be called a Christian? I don’t know this new miracle obsessed religion. I don’t know these money obsessed ministers, I don’t know these harmful pastors, I don’t know this religion.

That’s why I want to go back to find out what Christianity is. What the purpose of a church is, what the purpose of the pastor is. If I am to call myself a Christian I need to know what it is and when did it change. If any of you have a clue please help me out. I’m lost and I’d like to find my way back.

Stuff it, I’m jumping without a parachute and I’m starting over.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and wondered how to start this post. So here goes: I began this blog back in varsity thinking I was a good writer and the world needed to hear what I had to say. I love writing and I’m passionate about it and in my eyes that qualified me as a good writer, boy was I wrong. The truth is I am not a good writer, I am learning to become a writer and if I become a good one then awesome and if I become a great one, even better. Honestly when I began this blog I had dreams of readers flocking to my site and reading the little nuggets of wisdom I had to offer. Isn’t that what we all want though, an audience. Someone to hear or read what we have to say, someone who trusts in what we say and believes in us. I also wanted that but I wasn’t patient enough and I was doing something very wrong.

The truth is I wasn’t being myself, I was trying to be a political analyst, a spokesperson and everything else but myself. I wasn’t using my voice. I was trying to be different, astute and I wanted to become something I was not. I realise now that by trying to be someone else I killed myself and my love for writing so I stopped blogging. After less than 10 posts I stopped blogging. I had to get back to the drawing board, I had to find myself and what I stood for. What I wanted to give to the world out there and that’s when I realised that I needed to resurrect my blog. I needed to start over as me.

I had to change my approach. I had to give birth to a blog that is mine. A blog that resembled me and what I stand for. I had to give it my voice, give it a new life.
It’s like having a baby in a way. You want that child to succeed, to be adored by the masses, to be understood, to be the best. You want that child to resemble you, to have your qualities. Your smile, your brown eyes because you identify yourself in that child and you want the world to see that that’s your baby. In the same way, I want my blog to have my personality, my mind, simplicity and yet be engaging. I just want people to read it and identify the realness. So I had to start over, better this time.

We all get that moment when we realise that we need to just stop and start over. To find ourselves first and our place in the universe before we can venture off into any project. The method in Hollywood movies it to take your napsack, run away from it all, find a secluded place (usually a village or a jungle, I don’t know why the jungle but hey it works for some), find others on the same journey as you, share stories of life and sing Kumbaya till the Sun rises but the truth is that doesn’t work for everyone. You don’t have to run away to find yourself. Sometimes you can just switch your phone off (hha and how will you read my blog?), I’m kidding, switch it off or not, be alone for sometime, stare at yourself in the mirror, ask yourself questions, be true to yourself, try to find who you are and just take that one step to a journey of self discovery and if need be, start over.

Don’t forget your past, there are some very valuable lessons there and some scary skeletons that you have to face but that’s the whole idea, face your past and you will face yourself. However saying that you should not forget your past doesn’t mean you should hang onto it and re-live it. The past is there to teach not to hold you back and hold you hostage in your future.
That’s the reason I didn’t remove my previous posts. They are a part of my journey into this cyber world. They serve as a teacher and a reminder that sometimes a formula that works for others might not work for you. What’s good for the goose might not be good for the gander.

I realise that starting over is not easy. There can be certain things holding you back on life. It can be fear of letting go of what you are used to or just fear of the unknown. We get held back by our circumstances, what will people say, what will I do now? We marry all negativity and harbour the ‘What if’ syndrome and we don’t realise that by doing so we hinder ourselves from living to our fullest potential. What if I’m not good enough, what if someone has already written about this, what if I don’t get an audience, what if, what if, what if? However here is the thing, what if I am good enough, what if I succeed and I become a better writer and grow as a human being. Sometimes the only thing standing in our way is the man in the mirror. We need to believe in ourselves so much that we are not afraid to start, to fail or to let go.

I won’t lie I’m scared of falling again or failing or even losing myself as I go along but that’s just the thing about starting a new journey, it be blogging or starting afresh as a single woman or even being a first time mother. Nothing is guaranteed and life doesn’t come with a manual but as we go along we learn. We stumble, we fall, we hurt, we let go, we fail or we achieve greatness, the idea is to just keep moving on and keep starting. We learn that in failure there are lessons, in success we gather the methods and structures of how to continue and when we fall we get back up and we believe ourselves to be stronger.

There is no manual on how to be the best writer, if there was trust me all bloggers would have the Pulitzer prize in writing. There is no manual on how to become the best there ever was. It’s the same way in life, there is no manual on how to be the perfect human being. There is the bible, the Qur’an, other religious books and self help books on how to be good and noble but there isn’t a proven method on how to be perfect. We would have no sinners at all , we would be perfect but the truth is we are all human and somewhere along the road we lose ourselves and we fall. It’s just the way life is. I fell and now I’m getting back up again.
This is my start and I might stumble or fall somewhere down the line or learn and become good at writing, the idea is to keep moving on.

So with my cold cup of coffee, as I stare at this screen and wonder if this is good enough to post, I hope someone somewhere will also say “stuff it, I’m jumping without a parachute and I’m starting over”. See a new day as a blank page and write your own story but for you to do that you have to start somewhere. So when I post this and venture again into this world with my eyes shut, I hope that you will also start something. Here goes everything…