Love lost, lessons found

I was listening to Ariana Grande’s Thank u, Next. It’s quiet a catchy song but when you really listen to it, you realise that every relationship you’ve ever been in served a purpose. The song is all about Grande’s previous relationships. In the song she says “I’ve got so much love, got so much patience, learned from the pain, turned out amazing…” Her choosing to see her previous relationships as lessons and reflecting on them shows that she has learned and she knows better. (Don’t worry I’m not her PR person). And I think that’s what past relationships are for. Lessons and moving on.

In all honesty this song made me realise that she might be on to something. In every relationship I’ve ever been in (and no I haven’t been in many relationships), I realised that I learned more about myself, the person I was with and what I want in my next relationship. Sure we all want a peachy relationship with roses and teddy bears but the truth is, relationships are not smooth sailing. Yes there are great moments but there are also times whereby it’s all a crapstorm (forgive the profanity). We go through love’s rollercoaster, one minute you are up and the next you are down. (Reminds me of a Katy Perry song. Sorry).

Relationships are like that, one minute it’s all love and the next minute you can’t stand each other. Either we find the one who makes it all worth it or we move on to the next. We either stick it out or ship out. When we decide to move on, it’s with ease because we’ve learned so much about ourselves and what we want from our next romance. We fix how we communicate, we don’t tolerate smoking or a person going MIA for two days, we know better. All that is because we’ve learned from our previous relationship. Had we not experienced pain, disappointment an’t other things then we wouldn’t be trying to do better.

Moral of the post
Past failed relationships serve as a compass in our present relationships. As much as we’ve been hurt and we’ve hurt others too, it still doesn’t change the fact that from our mistakes we learn. We know what to do, when to do it and who to do it with in order to have a healthy relationship. We compromise, sacrifice, communicate better, we trust and we love all because our previous relationships taught us that that’s what we lacked. Our past relationships failed because we didn’t do something or we did something. That’s why we must be greatful with the lesson learned and move on to better things.

Remember, Live , Love, Learn and be Happy.

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What your fear is doing to you

My teacher once asked me what my biggest fear in life was and I said failure. No, I didn’t mean failing tests or grades, I meant failure as in failure to be anything or achieve anything in life. Side note, my classmates looked at me like I was crazy because ‘normal’ people are scared of snakes, heights and all that is visible and rational. Oh yeah, back to the post: I carried this for a long time and looking back, I realise that fear of failure held me back. I know I’m not the only one with a fear people think is irrational and crazy but that’s what fear is: it’s irrational and crazy.

It’s sad because I let fear of failure stop me from doing anything in life. I don’t know how to swim and I’m scared I’ll fail at it so I don’t go near any swimming pool. I’m good with people and crowds but I didn’t engage with people because I was scared that I wouldn’t sound smart or wouldn’t fit in so I became a loner. Everything I didn’t do or had fear of doing, I didn’t do because I didn’t want to be bad at it or fail at it. Looking back now I realise that I let a lot of things pass me by and I didn’t live to the fullest because I was scared I wouldn’t be good at it. I locked myself up in a prison of fear.

If you (whoever is reading this) would look at my blog record you’d see that I started this blog in 2015 but the amount of posts I have don’t show that and the reason is because I was scared no one would read my posts, no one would comment or I didn’t know what I was talking about. I was scared and writing this post now I realise that I held myself back. Truth is, had I faced my fears head on then I’d be better by now. I’d be a better writer, I’d have more followers and honestly I would’ve faced my fear a long time ago. I guess I had to see now, how this fear of failure paralysed me.

Fear, any fear is a prison. We lock ourselves up in fear of the unknown that we don’t reach our full potential and we stop living. This blog for me is just one foot out of that prison. If I didn’t fear failure maybe I would’ve achieved more than I know, maybe my life wouldn’t be the way it is and maybe a lot of things. I can’t know for sure because I gave into fear and I’m not the only one. Fear stops us from progress really, we get scared of falling in love, of having fun, of starting something because we are afraid it won’t work but the sad truth is that not doing anything is the worst form of punishment.

Fear feeds off itself. If you become too afraid to do anything then you are not going to do anything in life. You won’t know love, you won’t write anything, you won’t get to climb the highest mountain. Another thing about fear is that it leads to regrets. You end up living a life filled with bitterness and regret because you couldn’t master up the courage to just do it (I think I’m in love with the Nike slogan now more than ever). You end up resenting other people and being bitter about their success for doing what you should’ve done but didn’t because you were too afraid.

Moral of the post
We all have fears but that doesn’t mean we should let fear rule our lives. Fear stops us from living and reaching our full potential. It steals from us and if we continue to lock ourselves in the prison of fear then we stop ourselves from reaching our goals. We end up resenting others and being bitter because they are doing what we could do if we weren’t so scared. So we must find the courage to face our fears if we want to live lives without regret.

Remember live, love, learn and be happy

ONCE YOU START, DON’T GIVE UP

An awesome thing about a new year is all its promises. The new year presents us with a chance to start over, live better, budget, go to the gym, quit smoking and even find love amongst other things. We make new years resolutions because we want more from ourselves and the year. We want more from life. We make plans because we’ve learned from the previous year on what to do and the new year gives us the opportunity to show all that. That’s why the beginning of a new year is so awesome, it’s like being given a second chance and with that, we have hope, chance and possibilities.

As much as the new year brings with it many possibilities, it also comes with challenges. You see, the toughest thing about starting over, making plans and resolutions is maintaining them and being consistent. When the year starts we are motivated but a few weeks or months down the line we are back to eating junk food instead of going to the gym, we stopped working on that company we started and give up on other things. The thing is, as the year goes, we realise that it’s just another year, its not very different from the previous one and lose motivation.

Lack of motivation and consistency are two of the toughest challenges in doing anything productive in life. However, they are just challenges and challenges don’t mean we give up and let go. They mean we have to be strong, consistent and not give up. Truth is, we won’t be full of energy and motivated everyday but we must keep pushing. We need to motivate ourselves when we feel like we can’t go on any more. It’s very easy to give up on something, the challenge is to not give up. We have to learn to take the good with the bad, the easy with the hard and the sweet with the bitter.

When we realise and accept that challenges are a part of life then things become a bit easier. Challenges teach us more about ourselves, they show us our strengths, weaknesses and teach us how to do better and find solutions. Once we realise all this and continue with gym, that company we started or anything we planned to do then it becomes easier to go on and even fighting for it. We need to fight for it to survive. It can be a relationship, a business, a blog, a company, anything really. We have to stay motivated, face challenges and have fun.

If we are not having fun then all of it is pointless. We should enjoy the process. We shouldn’t feel trapped, angry and bitter when we do something. Those feelings either mean we don’t want to do whatever it is we are doing and they are a recipe for giving up. If we don’t like what we are doing and don’t have the motivation to do it then it’s pointless to do it. Of course there are times when we will feel like giving up but that’s what passion and motivation are for. It’s not easy to give up on something that you love and when you are motivated to do it then it becomes easier and worth it.

Moral of the post:
The year has just begun and with it comes a lot of possibilities and opportunities. Grab those opportunities and make the best of them as you go along. Yes, you will stumble along the way and face challenges but that doesn’t mean you have to give up. The best thing you can do is to remain consistent and motivated. Do things you love and enjoy, don’t pressure yourself and no matter what, keep going.

Live, Love, Learn and be Happy

LESSONS FROM 2018

When the year ends we always focus on what could’ve been or what should’ve happened. We usually sum up the end of a year with all the bad things that happened to us and rarely look at the good too. I’m saying this because I’m also guilty of it. I found myself reflecting on 2018 as the worst year ever but in truth so was 2017,2016 and so on and so forth. The truth is every year has its challenges and that’s what life is, life is about challenges.

I found myself looking at all the people and things I lost, missed opportunities, things I could’ve done better and how I let myself down. I kept on beating myself up over all that and I know I’m not alone in this. Every year we make resolutions and have all these expectations but when things don’t go our way we sulk, give up and close the year off as the worst.

In truth no one can say they’ve had the best year, they just managed to make the best of the year and that’s what we should do. Take each day as it comes, live, learn and move on.

Yes 2018 was a tough year but it was also a good year in its own way. I learned a lot in 2018 and I’d like to share what I learned with you.

1. NOTHING LASTS FOREVER.

It can be pain, happiness, loss, change or whatever you are going through. It doesn’t last forever. Situations come and go, seasons change, we cry and we laugh, we lose and we gain. It’s all a part of life. It’s not permanent, so you must experience it, live it and and learn from it.

2. THERE IS A LESSON SOMEWHERE

When something bad happens we always cry and shut down but that shouldn’t always be the case. Sometimes there is a lesson in situations we go through and all we need to is open our eyes and try to find the lesson in whatever we are going through.

3. ITS OKAY TO FEEL BAD SOMETIMES

I bet even Batman feels lousy once in a while. Nobody is perfect and we need to understand that. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, emotional or any negative emotion out there. Life gets us down and it will get us down so it’s okay to feel bad. You can’t be jolly and full of smiles when you fail an exam or find out your puppy died. Feel whatever emotion you are going through and after all that pull yourself together.

4. SOMETIMES A LOSS ISN’T A LOSS

I know it doesn’t make sense but trust me, sometimes a loss is a gain. Losing bad friends is not a loss, letting go of toxic relationships and people in life is not a loss, losing anything that doesn’t benefit you is not a loss at all. It’s all good, you gained something. You might not feel like it but letting go of bad things will do you good.

5. YOU ARE YOUR OWN HINDRANCE

I won’t get much into this because our situations are not the same but sometimes the end result is always the same. Sometimes you want to try something or go somewhere but you can’t because you have mixed feelings or you are not too sure or you are scared and you experience all those emotions that stop you from actually doing something. That’s you stopping yourself from living and possibly your breakthrough, stop self doubting and just go with it.

6. COMFORT IS DANGEROUS

Being too comfortable in any situation is dangerous because it can stop you from doing anything. You get so comfortable in a situation that you don’t see when it’s detrimental. Get out of your comfort zone and you will achieve many things. You can never lose anything because it’s all about learning.

7. MOVE ON

There is no point in focusing on the past and what should’ve or could’ve been. If it happened, it happened and if it didn’t then it didn’t so move on and stop holding on to ghosts of the past.

8. SET REALISTIC GOALS

It’s awesome to have goals, goals are why we get up in the morning. We aspire to be someone, we hope to achieve something, we want to amount to something and we can only do so with goals. Goals help us achieve our dreams, so that’s why they must be realistic. You can’t wake up in the morning and say your goal is to be a different race. That’s just insane. Set goals that you can and will achieve, set goals that are realistic and will get you to where you want to be in life.

9. IT’S OKAY TO BE SELFISH

I always say this to my friends, it’s okay to be selfish with yourself, time and emotion. Sometimes you need to invest in yourself, take time out just for you to focus on you. It’s okay to want to be alone and focus on your career or hobby or whatever really. You don’t have to please everyone.

10. LOVE YOURSELF TO INFINITY AND BEYOND.

I can’t stress this enough, LOVE YOURSELF. It doesn’t matter whether you are big or small, fat or thin, whether you have scars or not or whether you are rich or poor. Nobody is ever going to love you as much as you love yourself so you might as well do it and do it to the fullest.

Happy 2019.

Live, Love, Learn and be Happy.

Don’t let expectations hinder your progress

Its been a long time since I’ve done this, it feels strangely good to be honest. I thought I lost my will to write but it turns out all I needed to do was just write and it would come back to me. I know where I went wrong and I know why. The truth is we expect too much from ourselves and when we fall short , we break down and just give up. I did that. I had huge expectations of myself, my blog and writing experiences that when I didnt see all that happening the way I saw it in my head I got disappointed.

The truth is sometimes expectations can kill us. I mean we expect so much that during that process we only focus on what we expecting and we dont look at our achievements. We focus on one thing but while we are doing that, life happens. We meet challenges, we go in different directions, we fail, we succeed and overall we live.

In 2018 I realised that sometimes our expectations can hurt our progress. Dont get me wrong, I’m not saying that expectations are the devil, im just saying its good to also go with the flow, don’t expect too much and when we dont meet our expectations then it’s also okay. Life happens. As much as we can plan, scheme and try to control situations, life happens.

Happy 2019. To a year filled with love, laughter, lessons and less expectations.

Stop trying to please everyone, it won’t work.

Sometimes we do stupid things just to make other people happy. We compromise our morals and worst of all we compromise our happiness just to keep others happy. It’s what we do naturally and it naturally brings us down and we end up suffering. Have you ever wondered if people would ever go to the lengths you go to just to keep you happy. Will someone ever put you first and make you happy instead of you having to constantly give, give, give.

Here is another story of mine that happened a long time ago and I still regret it even today. I dated this guy, I told him I don’t drink alcohol, don’t smoke and I don’t go to parties (I’m an ideal child, I know). I told him how alcohol had ruined my childhood and how I hate the memories it brings and how some intoxicated people behaved and I thought he understood that and respected my decision but boy was I wrong. One day he decided to call me over and you won’t believe what he had bought, yep he bought alcohol-wine to be exact. He told me to have a glass and I refused more than once and then he kept on insisting and guilt tripping me, telling me he bought the wine for us and I was just being rude and I was messing up things so naturally I gave in and I had half a glass. I wanted him to be happy and I wanted us to be okay. So I finished that half of mine and he poured it again, same story- he bought it for us blah blah blah (I’m sorry) . I should’ve stopped him right there, in fact I should’ve stood firm in my decision but I gave in and I still regret it today.

I look back and wonder what would’ve happened if I had said no and stuck to it. I know one thing though, I wouldn’t be having this regret and I wouldn’t be feeling stupid and like a push over for a thing that happened years ago. The thing is I knew I didn’t want to drink, I didn’t want the first glass and I hated myself for drinking the second glass but I kept telling myself that I was doing it for my relationship and I kept on looking at how happy he was and in a twisted sad way, that’s what it was all about. Keeping my guy happy. Now what about my happiness? What about my feelings? What about me and what I wanted?

The truth is after that he kept on pushing me to try and do things that I didn’t want to do or hated simply because I had that stupid glass of wine. It’s never enough.

It’s okay to make others happy but never at your expense. You don’t have to be miserable for others to live a life of joy and peace. What about your happiness? You saying no to something or saying yes rather should not make others miserable if it’s going to make you happy. It’s okay to be selfish about your happiness. You won’t live a life filled with regret and you won’t beat yourself up over small things that could’ve been avoided. People who love and care about you will never put you in a situation whereby you will have to choose their happiness over yours.

People can see when you give so much of yourself at your own expense. They will keep pushing, can I have your cake? Can I have your car? Can I have your soul? Its never enough so sometimes and a lot of times you have to put your foot down and say no. It’s okay to refuse to others just to keep yourself happy. If those people care about you then it will never become a big deal.
You give so much, you say yes all the time to a point that one day you will have to say yes to losing your life. It’s okay to make yourself happy and not care what others say. It’s okay to say no to people who keep using you just because they know you will never say no. It’s okay to live alone and live a peaceful and complete life. You know what? IT’S OKAY TO BE SELFISH.

Stuff it, I’m jumping without a parachute and I’m starting over.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and wondered how to start this post. So here goes: I began this blog back in varsity thinking I was a good writer and the world needed to hear what I had to say. I love writing and I’m passionate about it and in my eyes that qualified me as a good writer, boy was I wrong. The truth is I am not a good writer, I am learning to become a writer and if I become a good one then awesome and if I become a great one, even better. Honestly when I began this blog I had dreams of readers flocking to my site and reading the little nuggets of wisdom I had to offer. Isn’t that what we all want though, an audience. Someone to hear or read what we have to say, someone who trusts in what we say and believes in us. I also wanted that but I wasn’t patient enough and I was doing something very wrong.

The truth is I wasn’t being myself, I was trying to be a political analyst, a spokesperson and everything else but myself. I wasn’t using my voice. I was trying to be different, astute and I wanted to become something I was not. I realise now that by trying to be someone else I killed myself and my love for writing so I stopped blogging. After less than 10 posts I stopped blogging. I had to get back to the drawing board, I had to find myself and what I stood for. What I wanted to give to the world out there and that’s when I realised that I needed to resurrect my blog. I needed to start over as me.

I had to change my approach. I had to give birth to a blog that is mine. A blog that resembled me and what I stand for. I had to give it my voice, give it a new life.
It’s like having a baby in a way. You want that child to succeed, to be adored by the masses, to be understood, to be the best. You want that child to resemble you, to have your qualities. Your smile, your brown eyes because you identify yourself in that child and you want the world to see that that’s your baby. In the same way, I want my blog to have my personality, my mind, simplicity and yet be engaging. I just want people to read it and identify the realness. So I had to start over, better this time.

We all get that moment when we realise that we need to just stop and start over. To find ourselves first and our place in the universe before we can venture off into any project. The method in Hollywood movies it to take your napsack, run away from it all, find a secluded place (usually a village or a jungle, I don’t know why the jungle but hey it works for some), find others on the same journey as you, share stories of life and sing Kumbaya till the Sun rises but the truth is that doesn’t work for everyone. You don’t have to run away to find yourself. Sometimes you can just switch your phone off (hha and how will you read my blog?), I’m kidding, switch it off or not, be alone for sometime, stare at yourself in the mirror, ask yourself questions, be true to yourself, try to find who you are and just take that one step to a journey of self discovery and if need be, start over.

Don’t forget your past, there are some very valuable lessons there and some scary skeletons that you have to face but that’s the whole idea, face your past and you will face yourself. However saying that you should not forget your past doesn’t mean you should hang onto it and re-live it. The past is there to teach not to hold you back and hold you hostage in your future.
That’s the reason I didn’t remove my previous posts. They are a part of my journey into this cyber world. They serve as a teacher and a reminder that sometimes a formula that works for others might not work for you. What’s good for the goose might not be good for the gander.

I realise that starting over is not easy. There can be certain things holding you back on life. It can be fear of letting go of what you are used to or just fear of the unknown. We get held back by our circumstances, what will people say, what will I do now? We marry all negativity and harbour the ‘What if’ syndrome and we don’t realise that by doing so we hinder ourselves from living to our fullest potential. What if I’m not good enough, what if someone has already written about this, what if I don’t get an audience, what if, what if, what if? However here is the thing, what if I am good enough, what if I succeed and I become a better writer and grow as a human being. Sometimes the only thing standing in our way is the man in the mirror. We need to believe in ourselves so much that we are not afraid to start, to fail or to let go.

I won’t lie I’m scared of falling again or failing or even losing myself as I go along but that’s just the thing about starting a new journey, it be blogging or starting afresh as a single woman or even being a first time mother. Nothing is guaranteed and life doesn’t come with a manual but as we go along we learn. We stumble, we fall, we hurt, we let go, we fail or we achieve greatness, the idea is to just keep moving on and keep starting. We learn that in failure there are lessons, in success we gather the methods and structures of how to continue and when we fall we get back up and we believe ourselves to be stronger.

There is no manual on how to be the best writer, if there was trust me all bloggers would have the Pulitzer prize in writing. There is no manual on how to become the best there ever was. It’s the same way in life, there is no manual on how to be the perfect human being. There is the bible, the Qur’an, other religious books and self help books on how to be good and noble but there isn’t a proven method on how to be perfect. We would have no sinners at all , we would be perfect but the truth is we are all human and somewhere along the road we lose ourselves and we fall. It’s just the way life is. I fell and now I’m getting back up again.
This is my start and I might stumble or fall somewhere down the line or learn and become good at writing, the idea is to keep moving on.

So with my cold cup of coffee, as I stare at this screen and wonder if this is good enough to post, I hope someone somewhere will also say “stuff it, I’m jumping without a parachute and I’m starting over”. See a new day as a blank page and write your own story but for you to do that you have to start somewhere. So when I post this and venture again into this world with my eyes shut, I hope that you will also start something. Here goes everything…