I’m scared that I’m giving up.

Part of writing this blog for me is also facing my fears and coming to terms with certain situations in my life. I’ve been unemployed for a while now and lately I’ve been receiving negative news a lot. I won’t lie, this has been discouraging me for a while and I sometimes feel a bit depressed. I look at my experiences and qualifications and think: why not me? Why am I not being picked and all that and it’s been taking a toll on me. I sometimes even think of giving up. Why shouldn’t l? Its not like things are going my way.

We all go through that right? We all get these moments when we feel sad for ourselves. When things don’t go our way we want to quit. We only see the negative things around us and sometimes they are overwhelming. It’s hard to find the positive in situations whereby your bursary application has been declined, job application, university application and even downloading applications gets declined. It’s hard to see the silver lining when you are in the middle of a storm. Rejection makes us want to give up.

I’m scared that I want to give up. I’m scared that when I do give up I’m going to feel sorry for myself and blame the world for all my decisions and misfortune. Isn’t that what usually happens anyway? A person gives up on anything and then spiral into a deep depression, throw a pity party and blame the world for their misery. Nope, I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I don’t want to become a burden. You know as I type this I realise that I feel like giving up but the thought of giving up scares me.

Honestly, hope of getting that job I want is what gets me up in the morning. I look at myself and my family and think this can’t be it. That’s because deep down I know that there is more for me out there. I guess as human beings, hope is what gets us up in the morning and is the reason why we keep doing the things we do for the betterment of our lives, because we know and we can feel that there is more that life has to offer. There is more for us out there and that alone is enough for us to keep pushing and not giving up.

Giving up is so easy and tempting. Sometimes situations trick us into believing that things are worse than they seem. A few job rejection letters can make you feel like you are not good enough and no one will hire you, that bursary rejection note can make you feel like you will never get to further your studies and in those moments all you see is negativity.The saddest thing about all that is that giving up is so easy that all you have to do is quit. Quitting takes away all the pain of rejection but quitting comes with regret.

I’ve thought about it and again, the price for giving up seems too great. What if at that very moment that I decide to give up, I miss an interview with one of the companies I want to be a part of? What if you give up on something and yet you are so close to its break through? It’s not easy nor is it fun to keep getting rejected but maybe that means you and I should reflect on what we have been doing for so long and try to change the formula. As I write this I’m not only writing for you but I’m also talking to myself. I can’t give up. I just can’t.

Moral of the post
Giving up is easy. You don’t have to do much, all you have to do is just stop. Stop doing all that you have been doing, stop loading data or getting up in the morning to look for a job, stop looking and applying for college or university. Just stop. However when you do, you must be prepared for a life of sadness, depression and regret. It’s normal to feel like giving up when things don’t go our way but that doesn’t mean we should. When things don’t go our way, we must keep pushing. It won’t be winter all year, seasons change and one day it will be summer.

Remember, Live, Love, Learn and be Happy.

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Stuff it, I’m jumping without a parachute and I’m starting over.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and wondered how to start this post. So here goes: I began this blog back in varsity thinking I was a good writer and the world needed to hear what I had to say. I love writing and I’m passionate about it and in my eyes that qualified me as a good writer, boy was I wrong. The truth is I am not a good writer, I am learning to become a writer and if I become a good one then awesome and if I become a great one, even better. Honestly when I began this blog I had dreams of readers flocking to my site and reading the little nuggets of wisdom I had to offer. Isn’t that what we all want though, an audience. Someone to hear or read what we have to say, someone who trusts in what we say and believes in us. I also wanted that but I wasn’t patient enough and I was doing something very wrong.

The truth is I wasn’t being myself, I was trying to be a political analyst, a spokesperson and everything else but myself. I wasn’t using my voice. I was trying to be different, astute and I wanted to become something I was not. I realise now that by trying to be someone else I killed myself and my love for writing so I stopped blogging. After less than 10 posts I stopped blogging. I had to get back to the drawing board, I had to find myself and what I stood for. What I wanted to give to the world out there and that’s when I realised that I needed to resurrect my blog. I needed to start over as me.

I had to change my approach. I had to give birth to a blog that is mine. A blog that resembled me and what I stand for. I had to give it my voice, give it a new life.
It’s like having a baby in a way. You want that child to succeed, to be adored by the masses, to be understood, to be the best. You want that child to resemble you, to have your qualities. Your smile, your brown eyes because you identify yourself in that child and you want the world to see that that’s your baby. In the same way, I want my blog to have my personality, my mind, simplicity and yet be engaging. I just want people to read it and identify the realness. So I had to start over, better this time.

We all get that moment when we realise that we need to just stop and start over. To find ourselves first and our place in the universe before we can venture off into any project. The method in Hollywood movies it to take your napsack, run away from it all, find a secluded place (usually a village or a jungle, I don’t know why the jungle but hey it works for some), find others on the same journey as you, share stories of life and sing Kumbaya till the Sun rises but the truth is that doesn’t work for everyone. You don’t have to run away to find yourself. Sometimes you can just switch your phone off (hha and how will you read my blog?), I’m kidding, switch it off or not, be alone for sometime, stare at yourself in the mirror, ask yourself questions, be true to yourself, try to find who you are and just take that one step to a journey of self discovery and if need be, start over.

Don’t forget your past, there are some very valuable lessons there and some scary skeletons that you have to face but that’s the whole idea, face your past and you will face yourself. However saying that you should not forget your past doesn’t mean you should hang onto it and re-live it. The past is there to teach not to hold you back and hold you hostage in your future.
That’s the reason I didn’t remove my previous posts. They are a part of my journey into this cyber world. They serve as a teacher and a reminder that sometimes a formula that works for others might not work for you. What’s good for the goose might not be good for the gander.

I realise that starting over is not easy. There can be certain things holding you back on life. It can be fear of letting go of what you are used to or just fear of the unknown. We get held back by our circumstances, what will people say, what will I do now? We marry all negativity and harbour the ‘What if’ syndrome and we don’t realise that by doing so we hinder ourselves from living to our fullest potential. What if I’m not good enough, what if someone has already written about this, what if I don’t get an audience, what if, what if, what if? However here is the thing, what if I am good enough, what if I succeed and I become a better writer and grow as a human being. Sometimes the only thing standing in our way is the man in the mirror. We need to believe in ourselves so much that we are not afraid to start, to fail or to let go.

I won’t lie I’m scared of falling again or failing or even losing myself as I go along but that’s just the thing about starting a new journey, it be blogging or starting afresh as a single woman or even being a first time mother. Nothing is guaranteed and life doesn’t come with a manual but as we go along we learn. We stumble, we fall, we hurt, we let go, we fail or we achieve greatness, the idea is to just keep moving on and keep starting. We learn that in failure there are lessons, in success we gather the methods and structures of how to continue and when we fall we get back up and we believe ourselves to be stronger.

There is no manual on how to be the best writer, if there was trust me all bloggers would have the Pulitzer prize in writing. There is no manual on how to become the best there ever was. It’s the same way in life, there is no manual on how to be the perfect human being. There is the bible, the Qur’an, other religious books and self help books on how to be good and noble but there isn’t a proven method on how to be perfect. We would have no sinners at all , we would be perfect but the truth is we are all human and somewhere along the road we lose ourselves and we fall. It’s just the way life is. I fell and now I’m getting back up again.
This is my start and I might stumble or fall somewhere down the line or learn and become good at writing, the idea is to keep moving on.

So with my cold cup of coffee, as I stare at this screen and wonder if this is good enough to post, I hope someone somewhere will also say “stuff it, I’m jumping without a parachute and I’m starting over”. See a new day as a blank page and write your own story but for you to do that you have to start somewhere. So when I post this and venture again into this world with my eyes shut, I hope that you will also start something. Here goes everything…